and how does it feel? to be on your own, with no direction home.

i hate that panicky feeling.

when it sets in, it's almost like you're powerless to the feelings it washes over you,

you try to resist, but pity is such a comfortable warm place to be,

self loathing is like an electric blanket,

sadness, fear, hatred; they're pillows.

so you sit in your nest of poetic disgrace,

and you like it.

and it's sucking the life out of you,

but you're powerless, without control.

did you know, that during early childhood developement, extreme emotional trauma can lead to brain malfunction later on in life? specifically, the brain of a healthy emotionally adjusted child is able to release it's own biodiazepanes, which regulate anxiety.

but the unlucky child, the child who starves for the parental attunement so necessary for healthy developement? she is left with a brain unable to regulate it's own anxiety. not only emotionally, is she in a million peices, but biologically she is at a great disadvantage. did you also know, that said unlucky children, are also 200% more likely to become addicted to drugs and or alcohol?

lucky lucky lucky

it is weird, that birth, life, it's all an accident. you end up who you are, by some chance of fate. or, for the skeptics of this universe, just because. it's weird. everything decided, just like that.

children are the most innocent of all, it is true. i do not say this with a lovely ribbon wrapped around the ideal of puppies and kittens and a softly easter-coloured nursery with melodic lullabies floating through the air, emanating the true serenity that is our children.

i say it with bitterness.
i say it because, when  things happen to a child, when they experience negative things in their young lives, they don't understand. they can't comprehend what is happening to them. they can't fathom the weight of situations far beyond their comprehension. they don't understand. and it isn't fair, for any parent to put the weight of their burden on to a child like that.

they don't get it.

and then nineteen years later they're a wreck and cursing their very existence. for things they didn't deserve, didn't ask for, didn't want, and certainly would not have chosen. and then that child, has it's own burden. and they take a long fucking time to get rid of.

'Cause I fell in love with the girl at the rock show

When friendships die, it is sad. It is like mourning a person, but it's harder because the person you're mourning is still alive. It is even harder, when you don't have any control over the situation; when you didn't do anything wrong.

I am really, really upset. I put on the facade of anger, and everything thinks i'm coping fine and accepting that she is a bitch, an idiot, whatever. But I am upset. Because she was my best friend.

And now, she has a man. I don't know if he deserves the title of man, but at twenty it's his legal status. I loooooooooooooooooooooooooved him at first. Absolutely adored him. We got along great, we share the same sense of humour, the same ideals about no bounds on the conversation, the same straightforward attitude about dealing with people, and the same hatred of the intellectually challenged. We got along swimmingly to say the very least.

But he is an excellent actor. He is a master of manipulation. He had me fooled, for months. January until June? And I am not easily fooled: I pride myself on being a good judge of character, and I honestly thought he was an excellent guy, and a great person for her.

She goes to a different university than I do, but he goes to mine too. We never hung out all that much but we were amiable, we liked each other, we knew it would become a better friendship. She came to my university probably more than I even know, since she never really called.

The first weekend she came, it was intended for it to be her and I weekend, planned before she knew him. It basically turned into her weekend with him. I wasn't angry; I had my own life going on, and I was happy for her after being screwed around by so many guys. I wanted to see their relationship grow so I went with it, gave it my blessing and let the weekend become about them: they were a new couple, in that lusty stage and I completely understood it.

There were more weekends, I should've seen it then, when I, going through some major major stuff, needed her, told her I needed her, even if for one meal, and didn't get her. Didn't get her when she travelled to the mainland, to the university where I was, to ONE BUILDING away, and she couldn't find the time to see me. I was angry, but ready to forgive. We talked about it, it was over. I won't lie and say that that didn't still bother me: it should've been my wake-up call that to her boyfriend, however much he liked me and this and that, he did not see me as a permanent fixture in her life. I wasn't of priority to him, and she acts to this day on his priorities.

And then, summer. They move in together. At this point they've been dating.. Four months maybe? At first it's great. I go over a lot, we have really fun times. I notice though, the way he talks to her. The way she is HIS woman. The way there is an incredibly misogynistic sexist power-relationship existing between the two. I ignore it, think that it is me reading too much into things, and let it go. I love the boyfriend, he is hilarious to me, we get along so well, and so I go on thinking everything is fine, that the comments he makes to her are maybe justified, or that he is simply kidding[he uses this one a lot].

And then he comes to work with me. And we have a BLAST. But I notice some things. I notice that his favourite topic to discuss is his girlfriend. I notice it's always negative. He discusses how he and I have a good thing going, a good trust relationship. He bashes her. Sometimes I join in, when I think it's true, sometimes I say nothing, sometimes I try to explain.
"She is not good at picking friends"
"She is not good at dealing with anything"
"She has never lived in the real world"
"Everything has always been handed to her"
"She's not the smaaartest person out there"
"It takes her awhile to understand things"
Etc.
You get the point. At first I thought it funny. And then it becomes about what fight they've had this day, and that day, and how irritated he is with her about this and that and the next thing. And then it seems like he is always irritated with her about something. And then it becomes about her and I's group of friends, and how each one of them is incredibly flawed, about how she probably doesn't care about any of them anyway, about how they're all a memory to her. And slowly everything became about how He, was just so much better than Her.

And this is when I began to see him slowly assert control over her.

He discussed how he talks to her parents about her, how they organize "interventions" to talk to her about being over-emotional, or this, or that. He discusses with a tinge of pride mixed with arrogance about how he can talk to her mother about her and they can actually fix things.

But above all, what bothered me the most, was what he said about a girl who had bashed her into the ground and purposely tried to sabotage their relationship in the beginning: A slut named Starla. Starla loooved the boyfriend, but did not admit it until he was already with the girlfriend(my former best friend). He told me, all in confidence, about how Starla had bashed the girlfriend into the ground. Called her fat, stupid, ugly, and unworthy. He gloated, and told me that it made him feel good to have someone as goodlooking as Starla like him, and try to pursue him. He also told me that he'd wished he met the Girlfriend just a month later, so that he could've banged Starla a couple of times. Apparently, the girlfriends legs did not compare to those of Starla's.

And then he and I had a fight. A big fight. And I called him out on everything I believed him to be. Self involved, Narcissistic, Mildly Misogynistic and an Asshole. And that is when everything changed. We made up, apologized, but I didn't mean it. I think he thinks we're good, but I don't, because I haven't seen the girlfriend basically since the fight. She doesn't return my calls, I rarely talk to the boyfriend at work, and I know that it is done.

It is so sad to me, because I don't know what is going on. He is such an incredibly negative person: he is his own worst enemy. My biggest fear, and I think it to be true, is that he is bringing her down with him. It breaks my heart to think it, but it doesn't matter. Anything I could ever say to her would fall on deaf ears. He would pronounce me a liar, a bitch, jealous, ugly, whatever he could come up with. Like I said before, he is a master of manipulation, and she is under his thumb.

There is nothing I can do. It is not a very nice feeling.

Goodbye LMB. I love you so much, I really hope you see before it's too late.

i don't want to be no man's woman

Everything sucks. Still.

Except now I have a date, that I am actually excited about, with someone who is charming and sweet and intelligent and makes me laugh. He's kinda nerdy, on the quieter side before you get to know him. He's a darling, i'm glad I got to know him.

It's difficult to be home though. My mother is great; we get along. But my seventeen year old sister has become intensely self-involved, and all she does is take the car and abuse my mother until she gets what she wants. My fifteen year old sister is just immature; she hasn't changed, and it makes it difficult to relate to her when her thinking is so.... juvenile, I guess.

Call me pretentious, but I find it hard to relate to people who aren't at the same level of intelligence as I am.

The X is a prick. He hasn't called. He should've three days ago. I'm over it.

I'm over this life!

what ravages of spirit, conjured this temptuous hate?

i am home.
for the summer.
also, miserable.

not in love now, not anything now.
cold with disappointment, cold with my own inability to feel.

at least, we have a place to live in september.

even if, in september, everything is different.

i have three dates this week. with three different men. i am hoping this will help my cause.

even though i could give a damn if i saw any of these three again. i will try.

it's time for me to grow up.
and blow away?
i would certainly like to be far, far away from here.

You move me, With your buildings and your eyes, Autumn woods and winter skies, You move me

You know what? I am in a bad fucking mood.
I am so incredibly tired of childish antics, it's unbelievable.
I am tired of people who can't communicate.
I am tired of people who use me.
I am tired of people who are literally stupid.
I am tired of people who can't tell their face from their ass.



Most of all, I am very tired of being in love.
I just can't stand it, even for another second, I will scream.



I'm tired of all these thoughts inside my head.

how i wish you were here, we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year

I always get this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't meant to be living in the era that I am.

Why is it that everything I love so much, that I hold such in high regard, is all so in the past?

I have my weird attachment/admiration for Trudeau. He's dead.
And there's William Butler Yeats, my absolute favourite poet. Dead too.
Jesus Christ, He was someone I wish I had of known in my lifetime[although spiritually I absolutely do know him, so I don't know if this is a fair example, but it furthers my argument.]
Annnd of course, the inspiration for writing this post:
I am absolutely for my entire lifetime in love with Pink Floyd. They are amazing, stunning, incredible, mind-blowing. I have never in my entire life been so musically fulfilled.

And they will likely NEVER tour again together. And even if they did, Roger Waters is old, and his voice is not what it once was. I saw his Dark Side of the Moon tour, and although a spiritual experience it truly was, he is old.

David Gilmour is still amazing live though, and he IS the by far the more talented of the two[you can see which side of the Pink Floyd "wall" I sit on.

Anyways, to end my tangent, I will never see them live. I will never get to experience it.

It's just another one of those things that was before me and not meant for me, I guess.

There just isn't that much out there that I take alot away from these days.
I am so dissatisfied.

And I don't want the world to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand.

A new year.
A new major.
Things are going really well.
Except that spiritually, I am dwindling.
I need fulfillment[from God.]
I do not know how to seek it; my previous means are unavailable to me now.

I live in such a constrictive secular world. Everyone looks at the architecture of Simon Fraser and comments on it's likeness to a prison. I fight the comments, I like the "Brutalism", it is unique, and it is art. The irony of my arguing about how much it isn't a prison, is that to me, it is. It is a secular prison, full of people who do not believe anything and are inspired by nothing except for a means to in the future make money.

I think most disturbing in recent days, was a conversation that I had with a very close friend. He and I will be living together next year with a couple of our mutual friends, and we are very close; I enjoy his friendship and company immensely and we get along really well, we have great chemistry. But I was very deeply shaken when he told me that in his entire life, he has never prayed. Ever.

Now, this is not a Christianity plug. He is Jewish, I accept this fully of course, I am not a zealot for my religion, and I believe there are many different ways to get close to God...sortof the "many faces of God" belief. But regardless, he has never, ever prayed to "his" God. He has never ever surrendered himself to the idea that their is a someone above us, above everything, who cares about us, who wants us to succeed, who wants to be the one we tell things. I think it really gave me some clarity as to the real truth of the situation I am in. I am surrounded by non-believers. I do not judge them because of this--although secretly I do worry a little for them--but it is truly a depressing state of affairs. I do not think I am weak to need to believe in God, to need to be close to God. I think I am strong, in that I can surrender myself to something so much bigger than I am, and admit my weaknesses and pray for further strength.

I do not understand those who do not have this same need.
Right now, my need is very great.
And I have no one, I feel so distanced from God.
I feel very alone.

and i know what i must do tomorrow

So I got my lip pierced.
To me, it symbolizes my transition from Highschool to University.
The whole new experience thing.
I have an entire life outside of my proverbial fishbowl.
Not only that, but this life is such a marked improvement.
Most of what I hated about things in Highschool no longer exists here.

Instead, i've learned a load of things to hate about university.

I truly thought(and with my idiotically idealogical mind, how could I not of) that University was this magical place of intellectual growth and coffee houses and professors who are passionate about their subjects and dedicated to filling our minds with worldly knowledge.

It's a mess. It's a big massive brainwashing machine. It's a beaurocracy. It's a corporation. It cares about my GPA and nothing else. I am a number, one of 24,000 to be exact.

The worst sting, though, I think comes from the fact that SFU when it opened, was this socialist-rioters haven, it was considered a dangerous lefty school with progressive profs and students who had zeal for something.

SFU still wants people to believe it exists in such a liberal fashion. It doesn't. It contracts it's cafeteria services out to Chartwells, an evil american cafeteria-service corporation. They serve overpriced extremely low quality food. SFU barely has recycling, as well as ZERO organic recycling. The workers in the Chartwell's facilities are inept. All of the cleaning staff who take care of Residence are immigrants, and I note this not because of them, but because it glaringly represents to me the inequality we still live with. The coloured folk are still cleaning up after the rich and disrespectful white schoolchildren.

Jesus Christ.
If indeed he does exist, would not appreciate what SFU is.
It's a hypocritical piece of shit, and although I am so, so grateful for the friends I have met, I am just as dissatisfied as I ever have been in terms of my place in society, as well as the institution I serve.

Such is life.
I have so much faith in everything, by default.
And everything is so fucked. By default.

her profession is her religion, her sin is her lifelessness

Well it's been a quite a bit of time since i've written on this thing. I doubt anyone even reads it anymore; not that anyone ever did. Haha.

I live on the mountain now at SFU. Rarely do I have a moment alone except at night time now, but I really am enjoying it. I've met some great people, with similar priorities to myself(like "FSU"). I missed the island dreadfully at first but i've gotten into the swing of things now, and as long as i'm on the mountain it's really quite peaceful.

Classes will be amazing. I love my professors. Finally, really and truly intelligent people teaching.

Other than that, not really much to report on. Weekends start Thursday night. Alcohol, Mary-Jane and Debauchery go hand in hand in Residence on weekends, and I am soaking it up like a sponge. It is a nice life to have. I feel comfortable to be eighteen now, where atleast in the drunken stupor people still use words like hedonistic and pretentious and cumbersome and unfathomable. It is a lovely change from the word Fuck, let me tell you.

xo
Sinead

i've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march, and it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

You know that feeling when there was just someone you just NEEDED to know, but now you can't know them because they're dead?

This is how I feel about Trudeau.

It's this like sick emotional longing feeling like I really needed to know him. Which ofcourse is impossible and even would have been-- I was only 11 years old when he died. I cried, I already knew who he was, i'd already read a biography. And thus the obsession began, my own little Trudeau-mania. But sometimes obsessivity can make you feel sick.

And now I feel sick.

I hate feeling helpless, it's the most frustrating feeling, and yet here I am, feeling it, lamenting as to why I couldn't have been Margaret Sinclaire! I think I should've been her. A flower child married to a much older man in a position of liberal political power? It's what should be the story of MY life damnit!

But there is one conclusion I draw from this as well as from all my likes and dislikes. I should've been born long before I was. I am an old soul. I would rather stay home and discuss Yeats, listen to Bob Dylan and contemplate the differences between Nietszche and Sartre's views of existentialism than go to a party to try a new drug and listen to some new music which honestly sounds alot more like an electric mixing board than true creative genius to my ears.

I think I would've been alot happier to have been born in the 50's, to have grown up into adulthood throughout the 60's, to have experienced real activism, to have worn paisley and smoked more pot than my mind can comprehend at this moment. To have no internet, no technology, to have to read a real newspaper and send letters in the mail.

Even thoughI have never lived in it, I long for the world before the one we live in today. The world where people FELT and CARED and CREATED because it was in their blood to. Not to get paid.

And suddenly I see, That this where I want to be

Life is bon!
The last week has been great, my body is hating me for the poison but it can deal!
Christina came home from Europe, Lauren from Hawaii, Emma from Kelowna, and we
are reunited.

I am going to have my girls over this friday for drinks&movies in the shed,
except apparently my mum bought tickets for the whole family to see Trailor Park Boys.... Classy, I know.. I think my mum's on drugs hahaha. I'll give the ticket to one of my sisters friends.
They'll be dead pleased.

The boy situation is fabulous ofcourse, hahaha.........
there's two
I like them both haha... pro's and con's list!
WE'LL SEE WON'T WE~!
I'm hanging out with one of them on Wednesday.

Life's sweet, what can I say!
160 DAYS TIL SIMON FRASER UNIVERSITY MEETS ITS MATCH(L)

We got money and a little place, To fight now, We don't know you, We don't owe, But if you see us around I got something else to show you

One year older! And stuff....

My birthday was awesome, not going to lie. All available friends were in attendance, and we had a wildly good time(Except for a succinct lack in Country Music!) One downsideish though hahahah: Rob, Colin and Geoff decided to streak(And they ran down Lantzville Rd for a good 25 minutes), and about half an hour after they came back into the house TWO cop cars show up! I'm freaking, ofcourse, COPS?!, so I grab my mother who'se on the other side of the house, she smooths it out. The cops still wanted to take down Geoff, Colin and Rob's info.. Which was kindof useless but they're adults too, so it's no bigs for any of them. They're still regaling the tale proudly. Their facebooks glow hah!

Im stoked for Simon Fraser :D. It keeps a giant smile on my face hah! I'm perky enough......

I'm excited for this weekend; Saturday night Christina Rob Colin and I are dining at the keg, UI. Ohhhh I love life!

Hope the whole three people who read this are doing well too!

To her, death is quite romantic, She wears an iron vest, Her profession's her religion, Her sin is her lifelessness

So...
I got accepted into Simon Fraser. For whatever reason it came as a wonderful shock to me, however no one else was even mildly surprised, to my sadness. I wanted some sort of huge uproar of celebration I guess. Oh well, this weekend is my birthday party, which promises to be a messy, messy affair. Intimate though, 24 confirmed guests.

I am so, so excited to go to University. It's so new, exciting, foreign. Simon Fraser has a brilliant political science department, and I hope it will do me well. I have to get in touch with my Academic Advisor because I will need certain courses for Law School. Also exciting.

Higher-education promises to be more fulfilling than the bland public education i've recieved until now. Atleast I get to pick what i'd like to study!

Political Economy here I come!

I've gotten into a wicked disagreement with my Acting teacher. I was quite livid, and now i'm just going to be coldly indifferent. I can't STAND people who try to impress others with beliefs that a class is about reliability, dedication, real interest, and then wholly celebrate one member of such class even though he's demonstrated none of the aforementioned qualities. Whatever. How many more months until Simon Fraser?(And teachers who are really educated?)

I really will miss Lantzville though.

And with no trace of hesitation, she keeps falling head over heels, breaking her way, pushing her way through unknown jungles everyday. She's sixteen, if you know what I mean.

degenerate the faithful, with that crazy casbah sound

WELL. Life life life takes it's toll on my blogging abilities.
My birthday is a stones throw away, and you all know how I LOVE birthdays. Noot.
This one is awkward as ever, it's real full adulthood.
But before I go there, DEAR LANTZVILLE. The script has been written.
The actors have been commissioned. My movie lives on. Not a film acting debut for me at all,
but i've never directed! I'm stoked. Hilarity is about to ensue.

Anyways... Adulthood. So long as I recieve an acceptance letter, Simon Fraser is where this nice
little Catholic girl is going... to make sure she breaks every possibly catholic/christian rule ever and have a fun and enlightening four years. Not that there's any rules I haven't broken yet..... hahaha.

Oh political science department, you lure me with your excellentness. the profs at SFU write the textbooks the rest of the country uses. Which extreme pleases me.

I'm pretty stoked about Uni. It should be grand, crazy, my real life finally starting.
I will mourn for Lantzville and the simplistic responsibility-free life I have known,
but it shall be commemorated, immortalized forever in Dear Lantzville, the film which
is to be the crowning achievement of my youth. I will have atleast done one worthwhile
thing these past 18 years. Scary thought.

Not that it's to be profound. It's really more of a homage to this place we call home,
and to all of Christopher Guests films. I am soooo mailing him a DVD when we finish.

Enough for now,
more commentary later.
Don't expect anything until after the 3rd.
My birthday party.
It's going to be a mess.
I'm going to be a mess.
Best Mess Ever.

Do you believe in what you see? There doesn't seem to be anyone who agrees with me.

Major life readjustments.
Things are good with aforementioned friend. Thankfully.
Applied to all my universities. Zero out of province schools.
UBC.SFU.UVIC.Mal.

I want to go to SFU really really badly. I have the grades. Wait and see time.


I'm generally a really happy person. But the whole business of a relationship really
not working out when I/He desperately wanted it to.. it's like an hour or two of drowning
in sorrow. You know what I mean? Just an hour or two. Then medicate, repeat cycle.

Maybe it's just my killer hangover and tendency for melodrama.
hehe.

SFU SFU SFU SFU SFU

i've rearranged my priorities.
family is first. well equal to God i guess.
roman catholic church comes in last.
i am SO converting the moment I move away.
to something.. remotely Christian.
far away from the papacy and rome and the capitalist bullshit that chains me.
fuck capitalists.
urghsgdhghdjkskjskdj


VOTE NDP
ok i'm done with this random collection

Help me if you can i'm feeling down, And I do appreciate you being round, Help me get my feet back on the ground, Won't you please please help me?

I hate unresolved issues. Granted, a part of this is my fault, but I cannnn't stand the stress of it now. If it were easy enough to drop it, I would, but I can't until it's dealt with!

A friend of mine in recent days.. November I believe, sortof turned into a much more.. aggressive drunk. She throws herself at guys, for whatever reason, weird because she could so easily get any man she wanted. There's issues there. Anyways, in my own drunken stupor I tried seperating her from some guy, it would have been a huge regret for her after, something she's admitted too. I was successful, BUT at a cost of her being angry with me drunk, AND sober. At a party a month ish later, she drunkenly apologized and said I was right... But i'm still annoyed by the situtation. Add fuel to the fire by a huge puke mess made by her, all over our friends stuff, and my house... she didn't clean any of it up, nor has she said ANYTHING about it since.

I get the embarassment, really I do, but she's supposed to be one of my best friends. She isn't acting like it.

I'm just frustrated about the whole affair.

10 more reasons why I need somebody new: Just like you

Wow, i'm terribly dedicated to this blog.
Forgive me, life got in the way.

School is going really well, which is always good, and this month/next month i'll be putting in my applications for University. Which is scary. A part of me does NOT WANT TO LEAVE. Another part of me does. French Catholic Dirty Boys = Yes Please. But you know...

Political Science all the way ofcourse. Just don't know which school.

Work has been good, we got interesting new hires, and the oldies are good. One of my faves is leaving, which blows because I love the guy, but we do party outside of work, and it's not like he's dying or anything. I have already found a replacement for him work wise, but there are subtle differences. Like a surplus of attraction. HEH.

Yes..
Christmas and New Years were enjoyable.
I slept most of today, enjoyable once again, and tomorrow i'll get my act together and do some socializing.

2006 was an incredible year for me... some of the best times I have ever had, some big mistakes, some excellent discoveries and ofcourse the same amazing friends to pull me on through it. I became a woman, though I will lie and tell you otherwise, and so this year, 2007, shall be documented as the first year of my adult life.

Which fucking blows.

ta ta!

And you tell me, over and over and over again my friend, That you don't believe we're on the eve of destruction.

Whenever I see the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in old movies before September 11th 2001, I am filled with such a profound sadness. Not necessarily reflective of that particular terrorist attack, but moreso with the fact that we, as human beings, can hate each other so vehemently that mass killing seems acceptable, and a good idea.

I don't understand the world that we live in, very well. I am on the eve of my embarkment into it, and, as it stands, I do not want to leave the comforts and safety of childhood, bliss and ignorance. I feel much more uneasy knowing all that I know, which sadly is not very much. It seems like the more I learn, the more I am disgusted. I would say that human decency has eroded through the ages. However, from the days of the Bible and beyond, we haven't had any. We're always trying to kill eachother for our cosmetic or internal differences.

With the thesis that human beings weren't born with decency beyond their own needs and wants, it's safe for me to think and believe that we, as a civilization of homosapiens, are doomed to our own fatal humanoid flaw. As the technology of battle grows at an alarmingly fast rate, as angry countries with grudges become armed with nuclear weapons, and as the religious and economic divide of the world becomes marked with red pen, I can only foresee malevolence in our future.

It's nice for me to sit here and listen to my Bob Dylan and believe that maybe my generation will be the one to smarten up, and see past the differences to the similarities, but we will not. I am as bad as my percieved enemy, although maybe I do not think so, maybe you don't either. So long as all the cultures instill hatred, pretention and superiority, whether the message is subtle or obvious, we as the world, do not stand a chance.

And I do not see how it will ever remedy itself. We would have to remedy human nature.

Now i'm having trouble differentiating, Between what I want, And what I need, To make me happy.

Proclaimations to the important ones.

1. You and I go back a ways. We started out similarly, but things changed and we changed and now it seems like a struggle to keep our friendship afloat. You remind me of a time when things were different; I like that, I dislike that, I think, I need that. I understand how you once could have been critical of my decisions about my partying and such, now that I am in that position with someone else. I understand now that that's about worry, and not criticism and judgement. I love you, though, through it all. You know it.

2. You're a huge huge force in my life. I tell you alot, your comment back is always critical but the love is there. What you and I have isn't easily emulated, and I feel special that we have it. Your ratings and judgements don't bother me anymore, I know the truth. You have a huge huge amount of potential in your life, don't let bitterness bog you down. I love trying to shrink, shock and horrify you. I succeed sometimes. I love you alot, you know it, i'm vocal.

3. You and I have terribly fun times together. We can say something obscurely random and turn it into a massively hilarious joke that perhaps could last forever. Our plans are always excellent ones, usually crack-hatched and excellent. There are things I wish I could tell you, sometimes I feel limited, though. You have a talent, and potential, but you have to figure out what it is you want, and what it is you do not. Listen to U2's "Still haven't found what i'm looking for" It might help. Sometimes our relationship is unbalanced, which stresses me. It's a new thing, and i'm hoping with time it passes. I value our friendship immensely, and I know the love is mutual.

4. I absolutely adore you. Our thinking is very parralel. I basically tell you everything, you're levelheaded, never bogged down by huge amounts of emotion, or jealousy. You give me no stress, but a great forum for both of us to vent. I feel like I can tell you stuff, and it won't be judged, even jokingly. See: 3-3. There are things that have happened in your life, that when I think about tear me up, you never deserved any of it, but all I see now is a person i'd want to emulate myself. I see a bright future for you, i'm excited. You're together, don't worry about what you don't have, or haven't experienced yet; it will come to you with time. Mad Love.

5. You. With you.. I feel as if I have found, in the words of Anne of Green Gables, a kindred spirit. We have a strong relationship, I can see it lasting a long time, and it makes me happy. I really trust you, you're probably the fastest person I've ever trusted in since I can remember. We get along extremely well, I can half say what I mean and you totally get it. You have a bigger influence on my life than you probably realize, and lets keep that on the downlo. You are going to go big places, in my mind you're one of the enlightened. And to be enlightened is a powerful, powerful thing. You've become a close friend in such a short period of time, and for some reason that doesn't scare me[It usually would]. Platonic love for you for a long time to come.

6. You're a fabulous person. Probably one of the nicest, most genuine people I have ever met. I have so much respect for you, your intelligence and your persona. You're a friend I can really trust, and someone I have alot of good times with. I can see us being friends well into the future, and even through moving and everything, it's going to be all good. My only ever piece of advice for you, is that you're beautiful, inside and out, and if a guy doesn't know that, he doesn't deserve you. You don't need to search so far for gratification, it's within you. I love you to death.

7. You confuse me greatly. I like you, I know you're a good person, but there is something you're holding back. I don't trust you, maybe with secrets and confessions, but not with the feelings of others. I understand the complications of your past, but remember that there are good parts, and good people to life, and that it isn't about yourself, or pleasing others.

8. You're worrying me. The you I knew so well, from childhood until now, is different. Maybe it is a summer thing, but you're not acting like you. I understand your past hurts, and the liberation feeling, but there is a line and you're dancing on it. I don't mean to be critical, I love you, and I probably will not tell this to your face, but I think you have a problem. Or that you're running from other ones. Demons are hard to face, but everyone has to clean out their closet eventually, and I don't want you to have to be in rehab, or even with a bigger problem trying to figure it out. You have so much potential, you've worked towards so much. Don't waste it, please.

I think we're alone here, You and I, I think we're alone in the universe tonight.

Summer.
40 hours a week in a voluntary prison.
Ipod at the end of the rainbow.
Colbys' gone.
Everyone's leaving me it feels like.
Hornby in only a little bit.
Karens' coming to visit.
Childhood reunion.
Alcohol is hurting me right now.
I'm confused about my feelings.
For the first time in my life.
And it kills me.
Also, my "dad" is here.
Which kills me also.
Atleast he didn't bring the whore.
Thank the Lord above for that.
My circle of friends are all well.
Except engulfed, by the vicious cycle of hormonal attraction.
That kills me too.
Atleast I have self control.
Sometimes.

Right now I hate:
Laval. Quebec. Lack of feeling-control. Alaska. The Army. Ugh.