And you tell me, over and over and over again my friend, That you don't believe we're on the eve of destruction.

Whenever I see the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in old movies before September 11th 2001, I am filled with such a profound sadness. Not necessarily reflective of that particular terrorist attack, but moreso with the fact that we, as human beings, can hate each other so vehemently that mass killing seems acceptable, and a good idea.

I don't understand the world that we live in, very well. I am on the eve of my embarkment into it, and, as it stands, I do not want to leave the comforts and safety of childhood, bliss and ignorance. I feel much more uneasy knowing all that I know, which sadly is not very much. It seems like the more I learn, the more I am disgusted. I would say that human decency has eroded through the ages. However, from the days of the Bible and beyond, we haven't had any. We're always trying to kill eachother for our cosmetic or internal differences.

With the thesis that human beings weren't born with decency beyond their own needs and wants, it's safe for me to think and believe that we, as a civilization of homosapiens, are doomed to our own fatal humanoid flaw. As the technology of battle grows at an alarmingly fast rate, as angry countries with grudges become armed with nuclear weapons, and as the religious and economic divide of the world becomes marked with red pen, I can only foresee malevolence in our future.

It's nice for me to sit here and listen to my Bob Dylan and believe that maybe my generation will be the one to smarten up, and see past the differences to the similarities, but we will not. I am as bad as my percieved enemy, although maybe I do not think so, maybe you don't either. So long as all the cultures instill hatred, pretention and superiority, whether the message is subtle or obvious, we as the world, do not stand a chance.

And I do not see how it will ever remedy itself. We would have to remedy human nature.

Now i'm having trouble differentiating, Between what I want, And what I need, To make me happy.

Proclaimations to the important ones.

1. You and I go back a ways. We started out similarly, but things changed and we changed and now it seems like a struggle to keep our friendship afloat. You remind me of a time when things were different; I like that, I dislike that, I think, I need that. I understand how you once could have been critical of my decisions about my partying and such, now that I am in that position with someone else. I understand now that that's about worry, and not criticism and judgement. I love you, though, through it all. You know it.

2. You're a huge huge force in my life. I tell you alot, your comment back is always critical but the love is there. What you and I have isn't easily emulated, and I feel special that we have it. Your ratings and judgements don't bother me anymore, I know the truth. You have a huge huge amount of potential in your life, don't let bitterness bog you down. I love trying to shrink, shock and horrify you. I succeed sometimes. I love you alot, you know it, i'm vocal.

3. You and I have terribly fun times together. We can say something obscurely random and turn it into a massively hilarious joke that perhaps could last forever. Our plans are always excellent ones, usually crack-hatched and excellent. There are things I wish I could tell you, sometimes I feel limited, though. You have a talent, and potential, but you have to figure out what it is you want, and what it is you do not. Listen to U2's "Still haven't found what i'm looking for" It might help. Sometimes our relationship is unbalanced, which stresses me. It's a new thing, and i'm hoping with time it passes. I value our friendship immensely, and I know the love is mutual.

4. I absolutely adore you. Our thinking is very parralel. I basically tell you everything, you're levelheaded, never bogged down by huge amounts of emotion, or jealousy. You give me no stress, but a great forum for both of us to vent. I feel like I can tell you stuff, and it won't be judged, even jokingly. See: 3-3. There are things that have happened in your life, that when I think about tear me up, you never deserved any of it, but all I see now is a person i'd want to emulate myself. I see a bright future for you, i'm excited. You're together, don't worry about what you don't have, or haven't experienced yet; it will come to you with time. Mad Love.

5. You. With you.. I feel as if I have found, in the words of Anne of Green Gables, a kindred spirit. We have a strong relationship, I can see it lasting a long time, and it makes me happy. I really trust you, you're probably the fastest person I've ever trusted in since I can remember. We get along extremely well, I can half say what I mean and you totally get it. You have a bigger influence on my life than you probably realize, and lets keep that on the downlo. You are going to go big places, in my mind you're one of the enlightened. And to be enlightened is a powerful, powerful thing. You've become a close friend in such a short period of time, and for some reason that doesn't scare me[It usually would]. Platonic love for you for a long time to come.

6. You're a fabulous person. Probably one of the nicest, most genuine people I have ever met. I have so much respect for you, your intelligence and your persona. You're a friend I can really trust, and someone I have alot of good times with. I can see us being friends well into the future, and even through moving and everything, it's going to be all good. My only ever piece of advice for you, is that you're beautiful, inside and out, and if a guy doesn't know that, he doesn't deserve you. You don't need to search so far for gratification, it's within you. I love you to death.

7. You confuse me greatly. I like you, I know you're a good person, but there is something you're holding back. I don't trust you, maybe with secrets and confessions, but not with the feelings of others. I understand the complications of your past, but remember that there are good parts, and good people to life, and that it isn't about yourself, or pleasing others.

8. You're worrying me. The you I knew so well, from childhood until now, is different. Maybe it is a summer thing, but you're not acting like you. I understand your past hurts, and the liberation feeling, but there is a line and you're dancing on it. I don't mean to be critical, I love you, and I probably will not tell this to your face, but I think you have a problem. Or that you're running from other ones. Demons are hard to face, but everyone has to clean out their closet eventually, and I don't want you to have to be in rehab, or even with a bigger problem trying to figure it out. You have so much potential, you've worked towards so much. Don't waste it, please.

I think we're alone here, You and I, I think we're alone in the universe tonight.

Summer.
40 hours a week in a voluntary prison.
Ipod at the end of the rainbow.
Colbys' gone.
Everyone's leaving me it feels like.
Hornby in only a little bit.
Karens' coming to visit.
Childhood reunion.
Alcohol is hurting me right now.
I'm confused about my feelings.
For the first time in my life.
And it kills me.
Also, my "dad" is here.
Which kills me also.
Atleast he didn't bring the whore.
Thank the Lord above for that.
My circle of friends are all well.
Except engulfed, by the vicious cycle of hormonal attraction.
That kills me too.
Atleast I have self control.
Sometimes.

Right now I hate:
Laval. Quebec. Lack of feeling-control. Alaska. The Army. Ugh.

It's that feeling you will not have to destroy, It's that feeling that you will not have to ignore

Fuck. We rave about what is useless in our lives. Guess whats the most useless? Cancer. I hate Cancer. As a Christian, you are not supposed to hate. But how can I help hating something that has taken so many people out of my life, and the lives of the people I love.

It's really hard to question God's motives when people are hurting. I know He has this great plan and everything, but it seems as soon as something really difficult comes about, I lose my footing on faith, and I become bitter towards my so-called Loving God. And that feels scary.

If you can, please go here, it's the Breast Cancer Society of Canada. See if there is a way you can help. Also, here for the Cancer Society of Canada.

Sometimes I just don't have an answer, I just don't have anything to say. I hate to think of my best friend in the whole world in so much pain. It isn't fair. That's when I question the motives of the Lord.

(I love you emma jane susan aspen.)

Growing up in some strange storm; Nobodies cold and nobodies warm.

There has always been a publicly accepted correlation, between the Conservative Party of Canada [Or more so the Republican Party of the USA], and Christianity. This connection has always irked me deep down, partially because I am a Catholic, with strong beliefs, who also holds socialist political beliefs and a strong passion for the new Democratic Party. I do not align myself one iota with the Conservative party of Canada, in my mind they are a plague, for many reasons, but what I am about to say is far less than inflammatory, but just how my mind lines up the Bible with the CPC.

Jesus, as those of you have read the Bible will know, was a compassionate non-judgmental man who loved all in his path. He was most often seen with what was the scum of society in the age. He believed in them, and he believed in his powers to heal, love, forgive and help in any way that he could. Countless times throughout Matthew [which I will use as an example for this] it is said that a person who helps is a Good Samaritan, a good Christian. I agree with this wholeheartedly, and this is why the connection between the Conservative Party and Christianity is most troubling. In my mind, through his actions, Jesus was a socialist. He believed in the common man, and he believed in equality for all of his father’s children. Is this what the Conservative party proposes? Higher taxes for those at the bottom of the earnings scale, and a tax break for the wealthy were in their 2006 Budget. Is it a good Christian who forsakes his neighbors to higher costs of living, and a healthcare system privatized, becoming far more inaccessible to the poor? Call it trivial if you may, but the fact that the general public affiliates the Conservative Party with Christianity, is really an insult.

This isn't an advocacy for the NDP, or the Liberals, or any non-Conservative party. All the parties have their flaws; definitely, this is merely an observation of something that at least in my personal opinion is so very untrue. Jesus teaches us to embrace those who have nothing, to help the poor and the needy, and to make the load on people as light as possible. Does our governing party; the economically rightwing, tax-break for the rich, and tax-hike for the poor friendly party do that?

We can always ask the next influx of homeless people their thoughts. A .5% tax hike for those who already live on the economic edge will be killer.

I hope we're all enjoying our 1% GST cut. The majority of us won't feel the backlash effect.

And in my hour of darkness, She is standing right infront of me, Speaking words of wisdom, Let it be.

It's been an interesting few weeks since I last posted......

A few parties, a bit of drama, some musical theatre postings, little of this.. little of that. At this moment in time I would like to express my deep deep hatred, oh yes, hatred, of cancer. I hate that I can't do anything about it. I hate that one of my closest friends in the whole world has to be going through so much emotional pain because of it. I hate it. I hate that it was probably(maybe?) the way we live today that made cancer happen. Maybe. Fuck. It gives me so much stress, I can't even handle it. I've lost family to cancer, it runs in my genes, whats to say I don't get it? That isn't my big fear though. My big fear is that someone I love gets it. And they aren't in the curable percentage.

Which brings me to my next bit. Death. I've had alot of it in my life, and this year, the graduate class is up to three dead. I knew two of them. I'm so afraid. I want to graduate with my friends. I want them to always be there. As a child, this was always a guarantee, the naivety was like a blanket that held you in, kept you warm, unknowing. It was blissful. And now? Fuck.

Alot of fucks I could utter this evening, let me tell you. And so I pray again and some more, and maybe this time it will work. This is when it's hard to remain faithful to a Lord i'm not seeing right now. Is it instant gratification I crave? Maybe.

Maybe.

'Cause I built you a home in my heart, With rotten wood and it decayed from the start...

Life's been incredibly busy. Jr.Show, Insano hours at work, Musical and Performing Arts auditions... Atleast it's all over now. I'm off to Emmas in an hour to craft, have a sleepover(AKA Watch porn on channel 24 and sneak to Timmies at 2 am), etc etc.

I'm at war, with head vs. heart, and it's always this way...

So that acting half semester class started, I gotta say i'm even a little dissapointed in it. The class just isn't meshing quite yet.. It'll come..

Jr.Show was a total blast, even though I blow at sound, but whatevz, it was neat to see the tech side of a performance. I gotta give a shitload of props to the tech crew cause it's not easy, or fun(hah.). I got flowers at the end on stage though, which was cute.. The cast party was wild. Especially the whole making out with grade 9 boys deal. They're on ragin' hormones. How glad I am to be past that stage(HA.).

It was cute, whatevz.

Must jet off to my important life. *eyeroll*

TSS,
Love

I am alone, But adored, By a hundred thousand more.

Hey Homesters. Well life's been a real gongshow. My birthday/spring break was unreal, a bit of a sad ending with the death of the kids in the car accident, but whatever. I've been sick. Strep/Mono. Yaaay. I'm irritated though, as I haven't been to school, and I have no homework. My mum called for a homework request and none of my teachers sent anything? So that's a little bit special. Other than that though... working on this and that.. you know the deal.

End of spring break was cool, friday we did a little shindig at Colbys which is always good. We had to be super espionage because his parents don't trust him at all. Seriously. It was fun though, I drank quite alot, and at the end of the night I accidently fell down his entire flight of stairs. He and I both giggled drunkly though I could barely walk, and I still have bruises, exactly one week later. Times been just boogyin' past as of late it seems.

I've decided for summer, Scotland is in.

Lately i've gotten really into two bands. I listened to both of them before but as of late i've been REALLY DIGGING IT, which is always sweet.

So first off we've got our Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Essential classic rock, I agree, but it's just taken on an entire new meaning. I'd like to use every lyric he's ever written in my MSN name, and then post them all on here. I can't get enough, and the music beside it, is friggen awesome. All his music just speaks to this entire like, LIFESTYLE, thehippie teenagers, I don't know, I just really really relate to it, and I can really get into it.

Second off, Dandy Warhols. Hoooly shit. One Song. Bohemian Like Me. YES.

nuff said.

Much _____,
Sinead

I felt the lightening, And I waited on the thunder...

ShitShitShit.

As aforementioned in a previous post, I am having an issue with a teacher. Well, it's gone now, but I still do have this teacher. Now, I am used to not getting picked with my hand up; I always have it up in classes with an english or a history base. Those are the environments where I flourish, we have been over this. I don't know how I know all the crap I know, but I do, and I love to give answers.

However. This teacher has been so SICKENINGLY NICE TO ME ITS AWFUL. I always get picked everytime I have a thought to speak, and it's always followed with a "Good job, Sinead" or an "Oh yes, Excellent Sinead". Why. Why me? Ofcourse, I look over to see Emma smirking at me, or Nikki laughing with her head in her textbook, and I die a little more inside. I am not a suckup. Infact, I am famous for not getting along well with teachers! He acts as though he is afraid to offend me. And that makes me feel sick. It wasn't my intention to scare him into submission for the rest of the semester by bringing the residential schools issue to light. Fuck. I just wanted him to ACTUALLY teach about it instead of glossing and moving on.

I don't want him to kiss my ass for the rest of the semester out of fear for making me angry or something equally idiotic, but the way he is treating me now is driving me CRAZY. I almost in a way feel bad for him acting like that, like a part of me almost wishes I had never addressed the residential schools affair to begin with. He's going to think i'm some sort of psycho-sensitive crybaby for the rest of the semester, and to pay everytime I put up my hand i'm going to get the Good Jobs and the Excellents!

I know i'm smart, you don't need to tell me. Hah.

Fuck, though, anyways. SIGH.

Sinead

To be the other man, No one sympathises, When you're the other man, Everyone despises....

I always go back time to time to look at my old little collection of poetry. Everytime I go back, I am more and more suprised that I actually wrote all that self indulgent tripe. To be fair to myself, I haven't written a poem, especially not for that collection in over two years, but even still! How could I have ever felt that way? It is irritating to hear again and again throughout the whole puberty deal that you are on a hormonal rollercoaster of which no end is forseen(Hah). Really though, as I exit that particularly colourful stage of my life, I have begun to see how terribly true it is. It is hard to listen when something is reiterated CAPP class after CAPP class in your face. Especially when no one understands you, and your life is just that hard. But looking at these worthless poems, it is true. I thought my life was THAT bad. And then there were the highs! The soaring incredibly happy highs, followed by the crash which would always result in some sort of attack; on my wrists perhaps? or more conventionally in the tempertantrum, or my particular favourite of the time; the deepseeded no one understands me poetry about how hard life is.

Life is hard, I don't dispute it. Somehow though, through all that bullshit, I expected things to be served to me. I didn't know I could make my own happiness, my own accomplishments or anything really to feel good about. I expected to just feel that way. Looking back, the instant gratification thingI had going on, I am really really very glad I wasn't into drugs or drinking at the time. I can see how that could spiral, at 14 you're too wrapped up in your own self to be able to drink without it having consequences, same goes for smoking pot. We all needed to learn for ourselves that we build our own lives, we make our own happiness, it is up to us and us alone. No person or drug or drink or magic potion will make us feel good for very long, it isn't sustainable.

It's funny when I talk to friends about "back then". They all felt like I did. I never saw it though, I was envious of every one of them, they were all so together and happy and perfect and I was this huge mess when really they felt the same way about me. It is funny how things work.

I like the way it is now, though, much better. I know how to make myself happy. Without anyone or anything else to help me. And although I may certainly avoid some emotions(Ha-Ha), I am Ok. We go through hell to come out okay. It's just better. I like this more.

yours,
or mine?
sinead

They laugh cause they know they're untouchable; Not because what I said was wrong.

So I won Best Diplomat. Got it given to me by the Lieutenant Govener of British Columbia, Iona Campagnolo, and got my picture with her/the secretary general and the president of the school. It was weird. This kid from my summit looked super pissed. I'm glad I won, its neat. Spencer and Kahlila won best diplomat for their committees also, and Colby and Sarah won for best Delegate in their committees. Dover Bay came home with quite a few awards. Oxfam with its two delegates, came home with two awards ;).


NGO's = BEST EVER

K thanks, BYE!!!

We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow? We've got tonight babe, why don't you stay?

I just have to say...
I LOVE THE MODEL UN MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF
I'm going to be a diplomat if human rights lawyering fails. I'm oxfam, so an NGO, but its the BEST EVER. I love the debates, I love the motions and the points of order, I love unmoderated caucus, I LOVE PASSING NOTES THROUGH RUNNER PEOPLE, I love everything about the UN and i'm pretty sure i'm just going to marry the entire system.

It's so educational it makes me HAPPY to the max. I love learning about politics and global affairs, provided its the truth. The one issue with the Model UN, is that in some cases I have definetly seen countries who are acting as people with views, and not their countries views. However I can totally give props to LOADS of countries who are being bastards because that's what they do! It's funny though, when we have a delegate from the United States, who is arguing for fair wages for third world country labour. Yeaaaah. Hahaha.

I'm pleased anyways, i'm trying really really hard(although mostly subconsciously because this situation is one in which I completely flourish), because I want to win best Diplomat. We'll see, I think I did alright today. However, I shouldn't focus on myself, this has been SUCH a team effort and I really think the Summit on First Nations and Indigenous Issues people are the BEST EVER and I love them all to the max. One day to go!11111111

I'm going to go.. do something... productive.

KBYE

You said it was dangerous after Sunday, And I knew you loved me.

It's weird when you think that something will be so hard and then its not. I never do anything big. I always have big ideas, big idealogies, big beliefs, but I never get to show anyone I really mean what I say. Well except for this one time now..

Basically, a teacher in one of my classes was going over the course, and starting to lecture on it. So he asks a question, "What do you guys know about the Residential Schools". So I raise my hand, and proceed to tell him that it was genocide. 50,000 children murdered, thousands more abused physically and sexually, and something that went ignored by the government etc etc. He then replied "Class, don't get carried away by the sensationalism of Residential Schools. Lots of native children had good experiences." It was on.

I was very rageful. How dare he say that! So.. I wrote him a long demanding letter, stating he needed to apologize for his remarks and re-address the class fully about the issue. I then enclosed a page full of website sources. And then Spencer came into drama, and gave me like two books plus ALL these photocopied packages together(Pretty much Spencer = Best Person ALIVE). So, I gave it to him.

After the next block I got called into the Principals office, and had to talk to her about it. Basically the teacher feels there was a miscommunication. Basically my principal totally agrees with me about the wholething, and we had a 15 minute conversation at the terribleness of the situation and the fact it should be covered more, and acknowledged by the public as a very terrible thing Canada did. So pretty much i'm really happy. She also went on to say how impressed she was with me for the letter and the sources(cred to Spencer though!). I was like Yeaaah.

I feel good now. Now to see if he'll really apologize. He better or its not over!

Sunday-Monday-Tuesday Model UN. I have to defend Indigenous Rights. Oh irony.

k bye

And if this is the life, why does it feel so good to die today

Grow Up and Blow Away
Floating the room
Two by two
From the womb
To the holiday
There is no holiday
First double-cross her heart
He wants to start a family
Needing something to go on

If she weren't writing in blood
She'd bring him her jokes
A new liver
And a shovel for the mud
If he were not knee-deep in mud
He'd bring her his drugs
He'd get her a typewriter

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

Nobody knows which street to take
He took the easy way
What was the easy way?
First double-cross her heart
He wants to start a family
She always thought she would not.

If she weren't writing in blood
She'd bring him her jokes
A new liver
And a shovel for the mud
If he were not knee-deep in mud
He'd bring her his drugs
He'd get her a typewriter

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

First double-cross her heart
He wants to start a family
Her body is the baby.

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...
Blue to gray
Grow up and blow away...

Just cause you feel it, doesn't mean its there..

English examination today. Easy as pie. But I felt the pressure to do well. Isn't it weird how the biggest motivators in our life, happen to be things we can't see, and only feel?

You can't see love.
You can't see stress.
You can't see God.
You can't see hatred.
You can't see fear.
You can't see sadness.

We as a society are pushed forth by entities that have never had to prove a physical existance to us. We're blinded by them really, acting in haste and repenting in leisure to the sweetest of things we know we should not do, or feel, or say.

We as the collective population of the earth, do everything because of what we feel. To quote Radiohead... "Just cause you feel it, doesn't mean its there...". Is this possibly true? Could we be imagining our feelings because generations before us have imagined them, and put the strain on us as the next group to?

If this is true, why do feelings, if gone unsolved, manifest themselves physically? If a feeling is that of the mind, than the mind is intrinsically intouch with the body, to let off alarm bells(such as physical sickness and strain) when something on an emotional level isn't dealt with. But the mind, is unseen. It cannot be physically located inside a human being. It is invisible also. I suppose Thom Yorke perhaps had it wrong then. Mind you, we'll never know, will we.

It is irony, in an Age of Entitlement, that the most important things the human race depends on are invisible, untouchable, unresearchable, and not for sale.

Until next time...

Pearls and T-Shirts and The Rain

I hate it when I love something to the max, and then Much Music, or some other media outlet that makes everyone love something(this includes celebra-whores like Ashlee Simpson and etc), takes what I love and makes it POPULAR TO THE MAX. Pearls and T-shirts for example. The cross between the rocker chick, and the back east vanderbilt girl. I was reminded of this style I once quite liked, and I dedicate the phenomenon(It being when you love something alone and then everyone and their dog loves it too) to be named "Pearls and T-shirting it". *christened*. Even MEN OF CHEMISTRY can agree its a painful thing to happen. Some of my favourite things have been tainted by the Pearls and TShirt phenomenon, including Tegan and Sara, Sneakers with Skirts, Listening to Indie and The Arcade Fire. Why does it seem like once something has the wind behind it, it ends up sucking more than your mom? OH SIGH.

The rain is freaking out of control. I tried going for a walk down by Holly Farm this afternoon and I couldn't get to the beach due to a MASSIVE LAKE on the road! Me and my dog were LE TRISTE VRAI. It was sad, oui. And then when we walked further, we saw like four mudslides. I was like goooooooooooooooooooooood. Apparently they're having a snowstorm backeast, so i'm pretty glad we're only getting the rain, but EVEN STILL. I wish we could create an agent via chemistry that would stop the rain!

Until next time,
SINEAD

THE FIRST POST

Well, today I make the first post in my blog. I will use this blog to talk about what I want to talk about. Maybe i'll post a poem, maybe a story, maybe something to do with my life, maybe just a picture. We'll see!

We Shall See.