To be the other man, No one sympathises, When you're the other man, Everyone despises....

I always go back time to time to look at my old little collection of poetry. Everytime I go back, I am more and more suprised that I actually wrote all that self indulgent tripe. To be fair to myself, I haven't written a poem, especially not for that collection in over two years, but even still! How could I have ever felt that way? It is irritating to hear again and again throughout the whole puberty deal that you are on a hormonal rollercoaster of which no end is forseen(Hah). Really though, as I exit that particularly colourful stage of my life, I have begun to see how terribly true it is. It is hard to listen when something is reiterated CAPP class after CAPP class in your face. Especially when no one understands you, and your life is just that hard. But looking at these worthless poems, it is true. I thought my life was THAT bad. And then there were the highs! The soaring incredibly happy highs, followed by the crash which would always result in some sort of attack; on my wrists perhaps? or more conventionally in the tempertantrum, or my particular favourite of the time; the deepseeded no one understands me poetry about how hard life is.

Life is hard, I don't dispute it. Somehow though, through all that bullshit, I expected things to be served to me. I didn't know I could make my own happiness, my own accomplishments or anything really to feel good about. I expected to just feel that way. Looking back, the instant gratification thingI had going on, I am really really very glad I wasn't into drugs or drinking at the time. I can see how that could spiral, at 14 you're too wrapped up in your own self to be able to drink without it having consequences, same goes for smoking pot. We all needed to learn for ourselves that we build our own lives, we make our own happiness, it is up to us and us alone. No person or drug or drink or magic potion will make us feel good for very long, it isn't sustainable.

It's funny when I talk to friends about "back then". They all felt like I did. I never saw it though, I was envious of every one of them, they were all so together and happy and perfect and I was this huge mess when really they felt the same way about me. It is funny how things work.

I like the way it is now, though, much better. I know how to make myself happy. Without anyone or anything else to help me. And although I may certainly avoid some emotions(Ha-Ha), I am Ok. We go through hell to come out okay. It's just better. I like this more.

yours,
or mine?
sinead