And I don't want the world to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand.

A new year.
A new major.
Things are going really well.
Except that spiritually, I am dwindling.
I need fulfillment[from God.]
I do not know how to seek it; my previous means are unavailable to me now.

I live in such a constrictive secular world. Everyone looks at the architecture of Simon Fraser and comments on it's likeness to a prison. I fight the comments, I like the "Brutalism", it is unique, and it is art. The irony of my arguing about how much it isn't a prison, is that to me, it is. It is a secular prison, full of people who do not believe anything and are inspired by nothing except for a means to in the future make money.

I think most disturbing in recent days, was a conversation that I had with a very close friend. He and I will be living together next year with a couple of our mutual friends, and we are very close; I enjoy his friendship and company immensely and we get along really well, we have great chemistry. But I was very deeply shaken when he told me that in his entire life, he has never prayed. Ever.

Now, this is not a Christianity plug. He is Jewish, I accept this fully of course, I am not a zealot for my religion, and I believe there are many different ways to get close to God...sortof the "many faces of God" belief. But regardless, he has never, ever prayed to "his" God. He has never ever surrendered himself to the idea that their is a someone above us, above everything, who cares about us, who wants us to succeed, who wants to be the one we tell things. I think it really gave me some clarity as to the real truth of the situation I am in. I am surrounded by non-believers. I do not judge them because of this--although secretly I do worry a little for them--but it is truly a depressing state of affairs. I do not think I am weak to need to believe in God, to need to be close to God. I think I am strong, in that I can surrender myself to something so much bigger than I am, and admit my weaknesses and pray for further strength.

I do not understand those who do not have this same need.
Right now, my need is very great.
And I have no one, I feel so distanced from God.
I feel very alone.